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Masturbation shame (with a marked trigger warning in the middle)

*please feel free to skip the trigger warning writing……take care of yourself first and foremost*

 

Last week I went to a workshop on masturbation.

 

It left me totally triggered, but I’m not sure I’ll go into that right now. I’m going to let this writing flow and see where it goes.

 

Luckily, I’ve had a chance to talk to someone about my trigger. So, hopefully, that feeling will disappear soon.

 

But, about masturbation (sometimes I call it self-pleasuring, but since the workshop facilitator called it masturbation, that’s what I’ll label it)…..

 

There were 17 women in the workshop and 22 the week before. Yet, there have been at least 2 women (in their 30’s) that have never masturbated before. How incredible is that?

 

Why does this happen? Because we are shamed about finding pleasure in our bodies for one, especially women. We aren’t taught what our vulva’s look like. Neither gender if taught where women pee from. We do not pee out of our vagina’s! Hell, they didn’t understand that the clit isn’t just that little nub of glands, until 1998!!! And the people that figured it out were from France and did it on their own dime because they couldn’t get funding!! Really!

 

So, that’s one reason. Another of course is religious shaming. Which I never understood. But, maybe that’s because I’m pagan and believe we are supposed to enjoy life and our bodies that we were given. Though, I only embraced that after becoming pagan. Hell, during my couple of years trying to fit in at my Grandparent’s church, I wasn’t even allowed to go swimming with my boy cousins at church camp, because I was a girl. I found that so stupid because we swam together all the time in the river near my cousin’s house.

 

Whatever. I walked away from that path.

 

What surprised me during the workshop was how many women admitted to still feeling shame at masturbating. Either they had been caught doing it as a child and shamed by parents or whomever caught them, or even by a spouse and shamed. So, many of us still wait till partners go to sleep before we partake in pleasuring ourselves.

 

With the spouses, we were made to feel shame because we were pleasuring ourselves, which the spouses took to mean that they weren’t enough for us or weren’t doing their jobs in satisfying us. I had this happen to me.

 

Did I mention that I have a high sex drive? And that I like kink? Well, my ex-husband wasn’t kinky and at the beginning of our relationship I didn’t realize just how much I needed that from a sexual partner. So, if was more satisfying for me to masturbate to my hot, kinky fantasies than to have vanilla sex with him. He really, really didn’t like it. And if he caught me it turned into a fight. So, I got really good at hiding it and making sure that he wasn’t home at all. The one time I went to a store to buy a new dildo, that fight lasted for weeks.

 

Then, along came my current husband whom I told this story to and he started making me masturbate in front of him to try to get me over the hump of shame. It worked for a long time. Yet, I find that I’ve fallen into old habits. I now wait till either he isn’t home or after he’s gone to sleep. Though he knows I do it, I still don’t want to get ‘caught’ and make sure I stay quiet at night.

 

Why? I have no clue. We are sex positive. He knows I do it. I don’t know if he knows how much I do it. But, I have no clue why I feel the need to hide it in the current situation.

 

I know some issues why I had problems in the past…..but not currently.

 

Then, to hear how many women still have a hard time and have a feeling of shame …..and we are all from a sex positive community! We are sexual. We are kinky. We are about embracing our sexuality and kinks. Yet, we have a hard time with masturbation or even admitting that we do it.

 

Now, some of mine comes from my past.

 

**Major Trigger Warning**

 

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As some of you may know…..though I rarely go into any kind of details…..as a child, I was sexually molested and abused…..from my earliest memory. My body was used against me. I was told early on that because my body responded, I must want it even though I was clearly saying ‘no’ and trying to fight back.

 

Then, to find out ….I’m not even sure when this happened…..probably after showing me porn movies where I had to watch others…..that I liked touching myself. The confusion that happened is hard to describe. I hated being touched. I hated being touched by him. I hated his words trying to convince me that I liked it. I felt like my body had betrayed me on all levels. Yet, I liked it when I touched myself. Maybe I was a bad person after all.

 

Each and every time I touched myself I felt ashamed. Then, to go through my time in the church and I’m not allowed to even swim with boys in case I tempted them. Then, to get married and have my husband have arguments with me over masturbation. It’s no wonder I have hang-ups.

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**Trigger Warning End**

 

 

One way I try to work through this is to have ‘Jill Parties’ at Kinky Kollege. So far, this is the only event I’ve done this at. But, what I do is pull some women together and we go to the orgy room and for 20 minutes we masturbate. We set a timer and at the end of 20 minutes, hands up. If we orgasm, great…though if we didn’t that was fine as well. It’s more about having the acceptance of masturbating…..and having people watch us and take pleasure in watching us pleasuring ourselves.

 

Hearing how many women still have shame (including me), I may have to bring this to more events….though I don’t know many that have the floor space or mattresses we can use like Kinky Kollege in Chicago does.

 

I may put together another vulva only masturbation ritual together as well. We need to feel empowered with giving ourselves pleasure. And if someone else has issues with it, that’s their problem.

Teaching Tantra

So….I’ve signed up for this Tantra course, so that I can teach tantra.

Funny thing is, I’ve been teaching sacred sexuality/tantra  for many years.

I was all gung-ho about this Tantra course, paid for it, and since being out of work you’d think I would have concentrated on it. But, I haven’t. Granted, I’ve been busy with BTL and Space stuff….and binge watching Super Natural. I need to get this course completed so that I can start scheduling Tantra courses.

Is this my new path? I’m not sure. I’d love for it to be. Have dreamt of it. But, I’m betting I’ll have to wait til after retirement before I can be a full-time teacher of Tantra and Reiki.

I wonder if I could take the course over a couple of days? I won’t know til I actually open it up and look at it.

I’d like to bring sacred sexuality to many, many people. I believe that can help the tone of the world.

 

 

Aging as a Qadishtu

I am Qadishtu….a practitioner of sacred sexuality. I believe in the healing power of sex and that we wouldn’t have been given these enjoyable parts of our anatomy if we weren’t supposed to have fun with them.

With that said, I’m getting older. And even though my sex drive is soaring through the roof, my body doesn’t look like that of a young woman anymore. I have a bad back and a knee that will act up for no reason out of the blue. Since my surgery to remove the extra skin around my middle, I can’t find sexy clothes to wear. My corsets don’t fit anymore and I have a scar all the way around me.

Because of this, I don’t feel so sexy anymore. So, how do I put myself out there when I’m not feeling sexy (most days anyway)?

I want to have healing sex. I want to have passionate sex. I want to have sex that connects me with the Divine. I want to have sex that expands my self and my world. I want sex that blows my mind. Dammit. I want sex!

I actually feel like I felt sexier when I was heavier but younger. I know that’s not true. I had issues back then as well.

Hell, except for a couple of years as a teen, I didn’t even enjoy sex until I was 32. Now, I need to make up for lost time!

In all honesty, sex is fun but it is also very healing for me. It is part of my personal healing path. This aging thing sucks.

I will figure out how to turn this feeling around and become an empowered older Qadishtu/woman. I just need to figure out how. If I figure it out, I’ll share.

Tomboy (part 2)

So, I’ve been thinking about that revelation that I may still be a tomboy, that I wrote about yesterday.

Am I?

Today I had the opportunity of getting my hands dirty working on my motorcycle, but I watched my guy friend do the work instead. I talked about it with him, how I have no interest in doing mechanical stuff.

After he got it fixed and put back together I road it home, took a shower because it had been hot in his garage and then promptly put on a light summer skirt and fluffy top, slipped on my crocs dress shoes and took my car to the car wash.

I read the definition of a tomboy…..and maybe I’m somewhere in-between instead. I only meet some of the requirements according to this definition.

 

Definition:

A girl who’s not fucking afraid of spiders. She doesn’t care if her hair’s not perfect, she uses cozy clothes (bras especially) rather than the latest fashion and she hangs out with boys instead of bitches. She knows how to fix your car but not how to apply the perfect eyeliner, she loves wrestling in the rain but not walking in high heels. She thinks twice before putting a skirt on, then thinks again and goes for jeans instead. Her closet’s full of black and blue clothes instead of pink and she sleeps in an old t-shirt. She’s always herself.
“I’m a straight girl with messy hair and a funny sense of humor. I ride a black motorcycle, I love climbing and kick boxing and I’m probably better at card tricks than you. I’m a tomboy.”
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Well let’s see…..I’m very afraid of spiders, but have learned to not scream like a little girl about it. My hair is never perfect. I don’t do hair products or heating elements on it. Usually it’s ‘wash/scrunch and go’. I just spent the last 2 days working on my bike with a guy friend. But, I also spend time with some of my gal friends. I know how to hang out with guys more-so than girls though. I have no interest in learning how to fix a car/bike, and i still don’t know how to do eye liner correctly especially the liquid kind. I haven’t been wrestling in the rain since I was a kid, but did have a good wrestling match with a hot guy friend a couple of weekends ago. Does that count? I hate high heels. I do like to wear skirts, especially if I’m feeling naughty. I’m enjoying wearing jeans again. Guilty. My closet is mostly black and purple (not blue) and I really don’t like pink at all. I’ve slept in old t-shirts for years.
As for the quote, I only match part of that as well.
I’m not straight, I’m bi (or pan). I usually have messy hair though I’m not sure anyone finds me humorous. Yes, I ride a black motorcycle. Though I would paint it purple if given the chance…..maybe….the black has grown on me. I would climb if I was strong enough, and would love to try kick boxing. I haven’t tried doing card tricks before.
So, am I a tomboy? Hmmmmm…..I’m definitely not femme.

Tomboy?

I heard someone use the word ‘tomboy’ lately and it reminded me that that’s how i used to classify myself. I was raised with my younger brother, and 3 boy cousins. Though i have 3 half sisters, we weren’t raised together. And though I have about 30 girl cousins, we rarely spent time together. Not only that, but because I didn’t have a save home environment, I never made girl friends. My mom wouldn’t let me go to anyone’s home and I wouldn’t invite anyone back to mine, so it was hard to make girl friends, or any friends at all for that matter. There was one neighborhood girl I spent some time with, but she was much younger than me.

My time growing up was spent climbing trees, roaming the woods, swimming in the river, learning how to shoot rifles, playing football with the guys. There was an unspoken rule that I was one of the guys. And if one of my cousins friends laid a hand on me in the wrong way, they wouldn’t be invited over again.

I actually found it frustrating when my brother and cousins got ‘Evil Kneival’ wind up toys and I got Daring Debbie. Pink. Then, they were bought cap rifles. I got one, but it was pink. Again. Yuck. To this day I really don’t like the color pink.

I used to love wearing denim….once I was allowed to wear denim that is…late high school. Before that I was made to wear skirts and dress pants (with tennis shoes of all things).

Then, for some reason I thought I was too tomboy-ish and started trying to be feminine. Not that I’m not, but I started trying to figure out makeup and how to do my hair and skirts and dresses. I never really got good at it. I still don’t know how to do makeup and don’t really care about my hairstyle too much….though I have tried to make a point to pay more attention to it over the last couple of years after losing 100 pounds. I still don’t like pink.

One of the reasons I went with skirt and dresses though was because I was 100 pounds heavier. Very round. Pants were hard to find and I had to give up jeans all together. Hell, the first time I found out about jeggings I was in heaven. The problem was that I had told Dan i liked skirts because i didn’t have to wear panties and it made me …..”accessible”.  *grin* So, it became an order that I only wear skirts and dresses. I wasn’t allowed to wear pants without permission. Since I like to please him….a lot….I rarely asked to wear pants.

Well, let’s look at now…..now I have a motorcycle. I’ve had the belly surgery so that I can wear jeans again. And I do think I’m hot in jeans if I do say so myself. Jeans, boots, t-shirt, denim or leather vest, wide belt. I’m really liking the look.

Deep down, I have a feeling…I’m still a tomboy. 🙂