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Bad Ass Grandma

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I think my new motto is going to be ‘Bad Ass Grandma’ aka ‘B.A.G.’

I found it on a website that was recommended to me from another lady biker for women’s accessories. They have t-shirts and patches and other things that say ‘OLD B.A.G.’ I’m going to drop the old part and just ‘Bad Ass Grandma’.

Why? Cause I think I’m Bad Ass and I’m a Grandma J

This morning I did some interval run/walking for 3 miles, training for a 5k I’m running on Saturday, after flying to the Eastern Shore of Maryland. The race is in Rehobeth Beach, DE. My sisters will be picking me up from the airport and my brother-in-law will be running with me. Then, after the run, I jumped on my motorcycle and rode to work.

There is actually a lot of bad ass things that I do…..clergy work, leading groups, multiple relationships, sex positive life…..

I think I’m going to put this patch on my vest to remind me that I’m a tough gal, so that when people say I’m ‘intimidating’ or ‘too visible’ or don’t seem to believe that I’m a leader……I’ll just look at my patch and dust it off.


Confidence is Sexy

I’ve heard this a couple of times now….’Confidence is sexy’ …and I must say that I know it works for me.

I had a boyfriend in highschool and I used to tease him, telling him that he was arrogant. He’d reply, ‘I’m not arrogant, but I am confident’. And damn if it didn’t work. I really had the hots for him. As a matter of fact, the guys that i’ve fallen for, have all been confident men. Hell, for all i know they are faking it, but damn if they aren’t doing a good job. And it totally turns me on.

So, what about in women? I think it’s harder for us to be confident in ourselves. Many of us had crappy childhoods or were told we couldn’t achieve what we wanted to achieve. Many of us were held back from our greatest potential. Not all of us. I know that. And some us succeeded despite the fact we had crappy childhoods.

i want to be confident and believe that people do find it sexy. Confident, not arrogant.

But, how do you become confident when your whole childhood you were pushed down and definitely not lifted up during a marriage. My parents actually told me that I had no business trying to be better then them when I told them I wanted to go to college. They actually teased me about getting good grades, saying I was trying to be a goody two shoes, a show off. But, i kept at it, trying to prove that I was a good person. I had help from my 6th grade math teacher, who was a drinking buddy of my dads, to get in the gifted program at school. My parents had a fit. Most parents want their children to succeed….mine did not. As a matter of fact, when it came time to go to college, they absolutely refused to fill out the paperwork they needed to fill out for me to go. If i wanted student loans, the colleges needed their financial statement. They wouldn’t give it. I wasn’t able to go to college until I had had 2 kids.

When I graduated college, I invited them out for the graduation. They did nothing but complain the whole time they were out here. I was so glad when they left.

And this is just a small piece of what happened. I won’t even go into the other horrendous things I experienced.

It’s hard to be a confident person after stuff like that. But, have moments when I remember that I survived my childhood and the fact that my mother told me to my face that I was unwanted and she blamed me (getting pregnant with me) for ruining her life. It’s hard after being married to a drug addict that said I was a sick person for having the interest that I have in bdsm and power exchange. I had to take care of the family because he couldn’t hold a job. Then, the time on my healing path. Holy cow. That was a super rough time. all these things can make a person a basket case. How do you become a confident person after experiences like this?

But, it’s possible. It’s hard for some of us. But, it’s possible. I’ve done it. I have moments where I’ve lost all confidence in myself, but then I remember what I pulled myself through. I survived my childhood, with a sense of self and right vs. wrong. I survived having 2 children at a young age and a addict for a husband for 14 years. I survived working on my healing path. I survived depression, even though I still have moments. I’ve survived some very intense times of ptsd and flashbacks.

Confidence. It’s not always easy. And sometimes I have to fake it till I make it. But, when it happens, it makes me feel so good. I’m drawn to it in others….and it’s awesome when I’m drawn to it in myself, as well. I just have to remember how good it feels.