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Longing….

I’ve had this deep sense of longing since having that dream the other night. I look at his picture and long to see him again.

I haven’t experienced this since mine and Dan’s relationship changed from friends to lovers. I had this longing for him for many years. And when he would do overnights and weekends with his girlfriend, I would have that same longing. Now our relationship has matured and it’s a different feeling I have with him. A deep love. When I visit back home and am gone for awhile, I get that same deep feeling of longing and wanting to be back home with him.

So, why am I longing for someone that hasn’t been around for 16 years? What does this dream represent? Why am i sitting in my cube at work and this deep feeling come over me? What am I missing? How do I figure this out?

This just isn’t an emotion that i’m used to feeling….for no reason.

Loving in a Dream….

I had to process this a little before I could write about it….

Yesterday, I was at work and getting ready to make a call. I call so many people that I always write the person’s name down before making the call, so that I don’t accidentally address them by the wrong name. Well, as I was writing down the name ‘Adkins’, I had a flash of the dream I had had the night before and had forgotten about.

A guy I went to school with, Billy Adkins, was standing at a sink washing dishes or getting something out of a cupboard….and the view I was seeing him from meant that i was sitting on a couch or something low. I only got to see him from a side view, but the feeling of being in love with him swept over me. I remembered him kissing me in high school and this feeling of love washed over me. It struck me that I used to like him, so why not start dating him?

I didn’t remember this dream until I wrote this name down at work.

And that same feeling of loving him washed over me.

And sadness. And longing.

Billy died of pneumonia at last 10 years ago. His obituary is put out each year on my ancestor altar.

But that feeling…..intense…..