So….I’ve signed up for this Tantra course, so that I can teach tantra.
Funny thing is, I’ve been teaching sacred sexuality/tantra for many years.
I was all gung-ho about this Tantra course, paid for it, and since being out of work you’d think I would have concentrated on it. But, I haven’t. Granted, I’ve been busy with BTL and Space stuff….and binge watching Super Natural. I need to get this course completed so that I can start scheduling Tantra courses.
Is this my new path? I’m not sure. I’d love for it to be. Have dreamt of it. But, I’m betting I’ll have to wait til after retirement before I can be a full-time teacher of Tantra and Reiki.
I wonder if I could take the course over a couple of days? I won’t know til I actually open it up and look at it.
I’d like to bring sacred sexuality to many, many people. I believe that can help the tone of the world.
I am Qadishtu….a practitioner of sacred sexuality. I believe in the healing power of sex and that we wouldn’t have been given these enjoyable parts of our anatomy if we weren’t supposed to have fun with them.
With that said, I’m getting older. And even though my sex drive is soaring through the roof, my body doesn’t look like that of a young woman anymore. I have a bad back and a knee that will act up for no reason out of the blue. Since my surgery to remove the extra skin around my middle, I can’t find sexy clothes to wear. My corsets don’t fit anymore and I have a scar all the way around me.
Because of this, I don’t feel so sexy anymore. So, how do I put myself out there when I’m not feeling sexy (most days anyway)?
I want to have healing sex. I want to have passionate sex. I want to have sex that connects me with the Divine. I want to have sex that expands my self and my world. I want sex that blows my mind. Dammit. I want sex!
I actually feel like I felt sexier when I was heavier but younger. I know that’s not true. I had issues back then as well.
Hell, except for a couple of years as a teen, I didn’t even enjoy sex until I was 32. Now, I need to make up for lost time!
In all honesty, sex is fun but it is also very healing for me. It is part of my personal healing path. This aging thing sucks.
I will figure out how to turn this feeling around and become an empowered older Qadishtu/woman. I just need to figure out how. If I figure it out, I’ll share.
So, I’ve been thinking about that revelation that I may still be a tomboy, that I wrote about yesterday.
Today I had the opportunity of getting my hands dirty working on my motorcycle, but I watched my guy friend do the work instead. I talked about it with him, how I have no interest in doing mechanical stuff.
After he got it fixed and put back together I road it home, took a shower because it had been hot in his garage and then promptly put on a light summer skirt and fluffy top, slipped on my crocs dress shoes and took my car to the car wash.
I read the definition of a tomboy…..and maybe I’m somewhere in-between instead. I only meet some of the requirements according to this definition.
A girl who’s not fucking afraid of spiders. She doesn’t care if her hair’s
not perfect, she uses cozy clothes (bras especially) rather than the latest fashion and she hangs out with boys instead of bitches. She knows how to fix your car but not how to apply the perfect eyeliner, she loves wrestling in the rain but not walking in high heels. She thinks twice before putting a skirt on, then thinks again and goes for jeans instead. Her closet’s
full of black and blue
clothes instead of pink and she sleeps in an old t-shirt. She’s always herself.
“I’m a straight girl with messy hair and a funny sense of humor. I ride a black motorcycle
, I love climbing
and kick boxing
and I’m probably better at card tricks than you. I’m a tomboy.”
Well let’s see…..I’m very afraid of spiders, but have learned to not scream like a little girl about it. My hair is never perfect. I don’t do hair products or heating elements on it. Usually it’s ‘wash/scrunch and go’. I just spent the last 2 days working on my bike with a guy friend. But, I also spend time with some of my gal friends. I know how to hang out with guys more-so than girls though. I have no interest in learning how to fix a car/bike, and i still don’t know how to do eye liner correctly especially the liquid kind. I haven’t been wrestling in the rain since I was a kid, but did have a good wrestling match with a hot guy friend a couple of weekends ago. Does that count? I hate high heels. I do like to wear skirts, especially if I’m feeling naughty. I’m enjoying wearing jeans again. Guilty. My closet is mostly black and purple (not blue) and I really don’t like pink at all. I’ve slept in old t-shirts for years.
As for the quote, I only match part of that as well.
I’m not straight, I’m bi (or pan). I usually have messy hair though I’m not sure anyone finds me humorous. Yes, I ride a black motorcycle. Though I would paint it purple if given the chance…..maybe….the black has grown on me. I would climb if I was strong enough, and would love to try kick boxing. I haven’t tried doing card tricks before.
So, am I a tomboy? Hmmmmm…..I’m definitely not femme.
I heard someone use the word ‘tomboy’ lately and it reminded me that that’s how i used to classify myself. I was raised with my younger brother, and 3 boy cousins. Though i have 3 half sisters, we weren’t raised together. And though I have about 30 girl cousins, we rarely spent time together. Not only that, but because I didn’t have a save home environment, I never made girl friends. My mom wouldn’t let me go to anyone’s home and I wouldn’t invite anyone back to mine, so it was hard to make girl friends, or any friends at all for that matter. There was one neighborhood girl I spent some time with, but she was much younger than me.
My time growing up was spent climbing trees, roaming the woods, swimming in the river, learning how to shoot rifles, playing football with the guys. There was an unspoken rule that I was one of the guys. And if one of my cousins friends laid a hand on me in the wrong way, they wouldn’t be invited over again.
I actually found it frustrating when my brother and cousins got ‘Evil Kneival’ wind up toys and I got Daring Debbie. Pink. Then, they were bought cap rifles. I got one, but it was pink. Again. Yuck. To this day I really don’t like the color pink.
I used to love wearing denim….once I was allowed to wear denim that is…late high school. Before that I was made to wear skirts and dress pants (with tennis shoes of all things).
Then, for some reason I thought I was too tomboy-ish and started trying to be feminine. Not that I’m not, but I started trying to figure out makeup and how to do my hair and skirts and dresses. I never really got good at it. I still don’t know how to do makeup and don’t really care about my hairstyle too much….though I have tried to make a point to pay more attention to it over the last couple of years after losing 100 pounds. I still don’t like pink.
One of the reasons I went with skirt and dresses though was because I was 100 pounds heavier. Very round. Pants were hard to find and I had to give up jeans all together. Hell, the first time I found out about jeggings I was in heaven. The problem was that I had told Dan i liked skirts because i didn’t have to wear panties and it made me …..”accessible”. *grin* So, it became an order that I only wear skirts and dresses. I wasn’t allowed to wear pants without permission. Since I like to please him….a lot….I rarely asked to wear pants.
Well, let’s look at now…..now I have a motorcycle. I’ve had the belly surgery so that I can wear jeans again. And I do think I’m hot in jeans if I do say so myself. Jeans, boots, t-shirt, denim or leather vest, wide belt. I’m really liking the look.
Deep down, I have a feeling…I’m still a tomboy. 🙂
Last Saturday, I was able to put my skill as a Qadishtu to work.
I was at a kink party and someone I’ve worked with before needed a session of sacred touch. She’s been going through a rough patch and really needed some help. I’m glad we were able to make it work out.
Since I wasn’t staying at the host hotel, it makes it harder to get everything in at an event, that i want to do. So, I only had the daytime available. We tried the day dungeon, but it was packed. We thought about driving to their hotel and using their bed, but I was resisting leaving the hotel. Her husband thought about going out in the hotel courtyard. Luckily it’s a hotel takeover event, so with the hotel wrapped around a courtyard, nudity is allowed outside.
So, we took her aftercare blanket and found an empty spot outside. She stripped down to her underwear and so did I. Then, her husband laid out her blanket for us. I had her breathe and then settle down on the blanket on the grass. I used my Reiki symbols to create a safe space for us and to get the energy flowing. It felt amazing to be doing this outside in the sun and the breeze.
I was able to balance her chakras, channel some Reiki and give sacred touch.
It was pretty spectacular.
I read a book over the weekend and something in it struck me….
The voice in our head can be a liar, and usually is. And all of us have this lying voice in our head. So, even though we present something as ‘truth’, it can still be a lie even though the voice in our head is adamant that it’s ‘truth’.
Let’s’ see if I can explain this in a way that will make sense to me later.
I’ll start with some quotes from the book.
“The voice in your head isn’t even real, but it’s ruling your life, and it’s a tyrant.”
“Don’t believe yourself mainly when you are using the voice against yourself. The voice can make you afraid to be alive, to express who you really are. It can stop you from doing what you really want to do with your life.”
“Don’t believe others. If you lie to yourself it stands to reason they are lieing to themselves and if they aren’t aware, they believe themselves. “
“Don’t believe anyone else. But this doesn’t mean closing your mind or your heart. Listen to other people tell their story. You know that it’s just a story, and that it’s only true for them.”
Basically what he is talking about is that we are not born with a voice in our head. The voice is developed as we learn language and start listening to what others have to say and believe it as truth. We internalized it and the voice of lies is created. If we are unaware, then the lies rule us. It’s by doing the work to become aware that helps us shut down the voice.
The voice, more often than not, is lies. Yet, if we aren’t aware, we believe the voice to be truth. When it tells us we are too this or too that, or not enough this, or not enough that, we believe it. It’s a lie. Yet we believe it. It tells us we aren’t worthy. It’s a lie.
And if our voice is telling us lies, and everyone has this voice, then it stands to reason that their voice is telling them lies that they believe are truth as well. Once we understand this, we lose the desire to defend our beliefs. We have our story and they have their story.
For example, I spoke with someone over the weekend. She is a practitioner of witchcraft, an ordeal facilitator and works with people that I highly respect in the woo world. I sat in her class and listened to how she does ordeal ritual. It didn’t match how I do it or believe it should be done. Doesn’t match at all and actually felt judgmental of how I do it. Even though I’ve never told her any details of my rituals. Well, instead of raising my hand and defending how I do things, I just listened to her. I believe what I believe. She believes what she believes. Either could be a lie, but for each of us, it’s our truth and works for us.
I can listen to her and maybe find something I can use. It doesn’t mean I have to listen to the liar in my head that started to speak up that maybe she is more right because of who she works with. My truth is my truth and is valid. Her truth is her truth and I don’t need to change her mind about anything.
When the voice tells me that I’m not worthy or that I’m filled with darkness and that’s why I don’t let people get close to me or that of course my partner is dating someone else, why would he want to be with me and it lists the reasons……remember that it’s a liar. Become aware of yourself so that you can realize how much of a liar it is.
Learn to meditate to slow the mind down so that you can catch the stories that the liar is telling us. A peaceful mind is a wonderful thing.
Does that make sense?
Another thing I learned from this book…..”We can perceive truth with our feelings, but as soon as we try to describe it with words, we distort it, and it’s no longer the truth. It’s our story! It’s a projection based on reality that is only true for us, but still we try to put our experience into words, and this is something wonderful, really. It’s the greatest art form of every human.”
The book = The Voice of Knowledge by Don Miguel Ruiz