Recently, I’ve been thinking that maybe I’ve already learned everything I need to know. Yes, I know how arrogant that type of thinking is, but I don’t feel like I’ve learned anything new in a long time. At least anything that would help my spiritual path. I mean, i know there are technical things I could go out and learn or a new skill, but that’s not really what I’m talking about, or is it?
I took the tantra certification, hoping to learn something new. I didn’t. It’s stuff that I’ve been teaching for years. It was actually very frustrating for me. I keep wanting to find a teacher instead of always being a teacher.
I’ve been craving the experience I had during my first 10 years of this journey. Not all of it, because some of it was painful, but we found outdoor festivals that were sex positive and I found amazing people to work with on my healing journey and my sex positive journey. I’m just not finding new experiences like that anymore.
Until recently. I’m not sure what happened, except for the fact that I’m trying some things that are out of my element. That’s the trick, isn’t it? I’m so comfortable in the communities I spend my time in, that there don’t seem to be any big things for me to learn. So, I need to step out of my comfort zone.
I’m doing that.
Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve driven to Detroit on my own to teach a mindfulness class at an intensive, and though I knew a few people there, I didn’t know most of the submissives present…..AND I drove in the snow/ice all the way up there. The 3 1/2 hour drive, took 7 hours. It was rough, but I did it. I felt obligated to be there and that gave me the drive to be there.
The person that had created this intensive, had copied it off of the ones I’ve been running for 7 years. She put her own flavoring to it, but it was still a good event. And while there, I learned a few things. For one, crocheting while listening, helps my attention a lot! I’m going to have to keep that in mind and not take it personally when people are doing that in my audience when I’m presenting.
I also learned that good hugs…..are good. I need to hug more. I usually don’t, because I’m protecting my personal space and don’t feel like hugging everyone. But, I had 2 people give me hugs while I was there and it just felt really really good. They were truly happy to have me there and shared amazing heart hugs with me. I want to offer that to others and need to practice more often. I don’t need to protect my personal space if I’m projecting love.
I’ve also decided to become a vendor again. This time I’ll be doing it on my own. I had a lot of Dan’s help last time and I’m sure he’ll be helping out a little bit this time, but it will be as he wants to, not because he needs to. I’m having fun with this. I’ve found a win-win situation in vending items that others are making but don’t have time or are too sick to vend for themselves at the moment. This is going to be my creative project and I really see it taking off. If it does, I won’t have to go back to corporate america.
AND…..I’ve never thought of myself good with my hands….but I’m working with arcane and helping him create floggers. I’ve cut leather, create torque heads and now I’ve been on the lathe and created flogger handles. It’s been fun and I’ve done an great job! Now I just need to get faster.
I’ve also offered my time and services to Mr. Malaprop who also does wood items for kink events. I have no clue what type of help he might need, but I’m making myself more available for him.
So, there are still things for me to learn. I just need to step out of the communities that I’m so comfortable with……or at least look at them from different vantage points. That’s where I’m going to learn something new. New crafts, new skills and as with the hugs, new things for my spiritual path.
I’ve been in a funky mood since getting triggered at our event BTL last week. We had people show up from another event to tell us how we were doing our event was wrong, and they did it in front of about 100 people that were in our class, ‘Ask Us the Hard Shit’. Everything was going great, on only about 3 hours of sleep after dealing with 2 drunk attendees early that morning. Then, these people who don’t know us at all decided that moment to verbally attack us and how we do our event (sold out for year number 6). Totally triggered me. Felt like a hostage situation where we were being bullied and no one thought the could help us. It was awful. And i’m not the only one they triggered.
I’m finally out of the trigger but am still having a problem with realizing how mean people can be. That was just mean. What they did was mean and they are ok with it. They feel they are doing it to benefit groups of people.
Now i’m seeing all the meanness around me, especially on poly facebook groups. It’s awful.
So, why would i wan to be a priestess of any sort? There is so much meanness out there.
*sigh* That’s my answer, isn’t it? i’m not a mean person. So, i need to be out there doing my thing don’t i?
i’m trying to get back on track with my priestess self.
For meditation this morning, i drew a medicine card. i asked the cards what i needed to do with my Qadishtu path. ‘Medicine cards, medicine cards, tell me true. What do i need to hear from you regarding my Qadishtu path?’
Quit being conventional and following others all the time. Take your own authority. Let Antelope’s heart beat strong in you, and you will know the way. Bas as always, the message is “Do it!” The fear of the unknown subsides once action begins.
Contrary Antelope may also be telling you that a decision to start is now necessary. The main element in procrastination is lack of conviction. To honor your chosen destiny is to honor your commitment to doing what you “proclaim” you are doing. Walking your talk is the essence of Antelope people. Talking your walk is contrary Antelope personified.
To right contrary Antelope, three steps are necessary:
So….one of the things i had wanted to do for years, after it was suggested by a POTQ graduate…was to record a podcast called ‘Qadishti Quickies’….
i tried it. i didn’t like it. It was flat. i’m used to recording with my husband and have done so for almost 10 years with our podcast, ‘Erotic Awakening’. There just isn’t a flow to my recording.
But, if i’m going to embrace this path, maybe i should try it again. Maybe some music playing while i’m talking would help. it might be worth a try. But, i have so many other projects that i’m actually excited about, i’m not sure that i want to put the time into this.
i would take the ‘quickies’ to my new facebook group, but there are only 3 members on it. i want a larger audience.
i could do it on fetlife, but then it’s only fet audience. i want it to reach further.
i have to give this some though. How can i reach people? Why do i want to reach people? Probably because some people don’t know this is a valid spiritual path, or because some people are already following a similar path and don’t know it or don’t have words for it. It feels like that’s the answer. Not sure.
i had a Tantra meetup scheduled for tonight. 16 marked as going. Only 1 person showed up.
His name was Mike and he was probably in his 60’s. We had a long conversation and i found out that he’s been giving spankings to people for decades. People find him on a website, he didn’t say which one, and he delivers their spankings; some men, some women. He travels around the world and has people in most of the places he stops at, that he spanks.
Talking with him, hearing how he does service topping, hearing how he doesn’t do it for sex and sticks with what they negotiate ahead of time…..he’s a Qadishti and doesn’t know it. He treats this as sacred.
It surprises me when i find people like this, that have been doing this sacred service for years and aren’t aware that they are very special. They just do it as a way of giving service to those in need. He said that sometimes it’s a wife whose husband is away (i wouldn’t be able to do that if the husband doesn’t know, but i understand the need/drive), sometimes it’s someone with a lot of responsibility that needs ‘punishment’, sometimes it’s someone that has fetishized it and want’s to roleplay, sometimes it’s someone that just needs to cry. Wow. All of this is service/spiritual topping.
Well, if nothing else, i shared some vocabulary with him. i don’t think he’s interested in researching anything, but if he ever is, he’ll have some words to use.
So today i was at a great event….and some people i’ve worked with on my Qadishti path were there. i got to talk to them about the next step on my path.
Two of the people i talked to are involved with POTQ1 and i was talking to them about bringing it back to Columbus. Maybe i didn’t ask the question right, because i don’t think they really understood what i was asking….but the conversation is started. i’ll detail it out in text or emails later.
Another person i confided in about my interest in moving forward said he was surprised that i waited this long. i told him that i had always wanted to do this with my partner, but he’s on another path. But, i think i’d be good at this and wanted to dive in and really embrace this path again. That i thought i’d be good at it …that i wanted to embrace it with more passion and even get into the deep, dark parts of the path….and he said with no hesitation that he absolutely agreed. Wow. That really boosted my energy towards this…. To have an outside person, someone that i really consider a friend, think that i’d be really good at this. i’m pretty sure i used to be….and over the years i still teach energy and tantra and such….but to really dive into it. His eyes even lit up at the idea.
And the research i was doing over the last couple of days….it fired up my interested again as well. i got that excited feeling of learning something new. i love that feeling. That’s what’s been missing.
More than a few years ago, i had this vision (i don’t even remember the details) that i should be working with a Goddess with Wings. i tried Isis and a few others and they just didn’t feel right. i also knew that it was supposed to be a Goddess for Sacred Sexuality. For weeks i looked at google images and finally found one that worked for me. It was Freya.
i tried Freya on. i liked it. i did an ecstatic dance and invoked Frey to ask her why she came to me if i was looking for a Goddess of Sacred Sexuality. She laughed and said, how do you think i got my amber necklace from the dwarves? i slept with them. i am absolutely a Goddess of Sex. Many people focus on the Goddess of War, Valkirie aspect, but there is so much more.
So, i worked with Freya for a very long time. i still work with her some days, but it’s very rare now.
Today, i was doing some research on Qadishtu/Qadishti/Sacred Secuality for a new facebook group i started….and came across this ….
And her animals are lions.
i’ve also worked with Sekhmet because of her lion aspects.
So…what if i was supposed to have worked with Ishtar? i know a few that do work with her and her other name, Inanna. Some have even named themselves after her.
Before, i tried to make myself work with her (before i even knew she had wings). It didn’t work. I’m not sure i even recognized she had wings. Freya did and Freya spoke to me.
Now, i’m seeing the wings of Ishtar/Inanna and it feels like i’m supposed to work with her.
We’ll see how it goes.
This poem to her that I found (in another language and then translated) really spoke to me when i found it today…
Prayer by Ishara Labyris, Ps. Dea
Ishtar Veiled Who pierces the sky with its soft light Witches moon Women’s blood Star power
Flaming Ishtar Flame of Life Mixing with the rain To create the Rainbow Necklace And to walk between the worlds
Ishtar of the Sea To the thousand river daughters Noisy or secret O Mystery of the deep waters of the original Matrix
Mother Ishtar Unremovable Creator Rich roots, green tops Tree of Life, shadows and lights Eternal Balance
Dark Ishtar Who descends under Earth Under the roots, under the stones Crossing the Seven Gates of Hell Dying and reborn
Red Ishtar Lover of all, wife of no Freedom of love for everyone Beauty that heals hearts Prostitute to the sacred gift
In this place be venerated In this place be thanked I beg you, Ishtar With all the beating of my heart