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Masturbation shame (with a marked trigger warning in the middle)

*please feel free to skip the trigger warning writing……take care of yourself first and foremost*

 

Last week I went to a workshop on masturbation.

 

It left me totally triggered, but I’m not sure I’ll go into that right now. I’m going to let this writing flow and see where it goes.

 

Luckily, I’ve had a chance to talk to someone about my trigger. So, hopefully, that feeling will disappear soon.

 

But, about masturbation (sometimes I call it self-pleasuring, but since the workshop facilitator called it masturbation, that’s what I’ll label it)…..

 

There were 17 women in the workshop and 22 the week before. Yet, there have been at least 2 women (in their 30’s) that have never masturbated before. How incredible is that?

 

Why does this happen? Because we are shamed about finding pleasure in our bodies for one, especially women. We aren’t taught what our vulva’s look like. Neither gender if taught where women pee from. We do not pee out of our vagina’s! Hell, they didn’t understand that the clit isn’t just that little nub of glands, until 1998!!! And the people that figured it out were from France and did it on their own dime because they couldn’t get funding!! Really!

 

So, that’s one reason. Another of course is religious shaming. Which I never understood. But, maybe that’s because I’m pagan and believe we are supposed to enjoy life and our bodies that we were given. Though, I only embraced that after becoming pagan. Hell, during my couple of years trying to fit in at my Grandparent’s church, I wasn’t even allowed to go swimming with my boy cousins at church camp, because I was a girl. I found that so stupid because we swam together all the time in the river near my cousin’s house.

 

Whatever. I walked away from that path.

 

What surprised me during the workshop was how many women admitted to still feeling shame at masturbating. Either they had been caught doing it as a child and shamed by parents or whomever caught them, or even by a spouse and shamed. So, many of us still wait till partners go to sleep before we partake in pleasuring ourselves.

 

With the spouses, we were made to feel shame because we were pleasuring ourselves, which the spouses took to mean that they weren’t enough for us or weren’t doing their jobs in satisfying us. I had this happen to me.

 

Did I mention that I have a high sex drive? And that I like kink? Well, my ex-husband wasn’t kinky and at the beginning of our relationship I didn’t realize just how much I needed that from a sexual partner. So, if was more satisfying for me to masturbate to my hot, kinky fantasies than to have vanilla sex with him. He really, really didn’t like it. And if he caught me it turned into a fight. So, I got really good at hiding it and making sure that he wasn’t home at all. The one time I went to a store to buy a new dildo, that fight lasted for weeks.

 

Then, along came my current husband whom I told this story to and he started making me masturbate in front of him to try to get me over the hump of shame. It worked for a long time. Yet, I find that I’ve fallen into old habits. I now wait till either he isn’t home or after he’s gone to sleep. Though he knows I do it, I still don’t want to get ‘caught’ and make sure I stay quiet at night.

 

Why? I have no clue. We are sex positive. He knows I do it. I don’t know if he knows how much I do it. But, I have no clue why I feel the need to hide it in the current situation.

 

I know some issues why I had problems in the past…..but not currently.

 

Then, to hear how many women still have a hard time and have a feeling of shame …..and we are all from a sex positive community! We are sexual. We are kinky. We are about embracing our sexuality and kinks. Yet, we have a hard time with masturbation or even admitting that we do it.

 

Now, some of mine comes from my past.

 

**Major Trigger Warning**

 

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As some of you may know…..though I rarely go into any kind of details…..as a child, I was sexually molested and abused…..from my earliest memory. My body was used against me. I was told early on that because my body responded, I must want it even though I was clearly saying ‘no’ and trying to fight back.

 

Then, to find out ….I’m not even sure when this happened…..probably after showing me porn movies where I had to watch others…..that I liked touching myself. The confusion that happened is hard to describe. I hated being touched. I hated being touched by him. I hated his words trying to convince me that I liked it. I felt like my body had betrayed me on all levels. Yet, I liked it when I touched myself. Maybe I was a bad person after all.

 

Each and every time I touched myself I felt ashamed. Then, to go through my time in the church and I’m not allowed to even swim with boys in case I tempted them. Then, to get married and have my husband have arguments with me over masturbation. It’s no wonder I have hang-ups.

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**Trigger Warning End**

 

 

One way I try to work through this is to have ‘Jill Parties’ at Kinky Kollege. So far, this is the only event I’ve done this at. But, what I do is pull some women together and we go to the orgy room and for 20 minutes we masturbate. We set a timer and at the end of 20 minutes, hands up. If we orgasm, great…though if we didn’t that was fine as well. It’s more about having the acceptance of masturbating…..and having people watch us and take pleasure in watching us pleasuring ourselves.

 

Hearing how many women still have shame (including me), I may have to bring this to more events….though I don’t know many that have the floor space or mattresses we can use like Kinky Kollege in Chicago does.

 

I may put together another vulva only masturbation ritual together as well. We need to feel empowered with giving ourselves pleasure. And if someone else has issues with it, that’s their problem.