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Aging as a Qadishtu

I am Qadishtu….a practitioner of sacred sexuality. I believe in the healing power of sex and that we wouldn’t have been given these enjoyable parts of our anatomy if we weren’t supposed to have fun with them.

With that said, I’m getting older. And even though my sex drive is soaring through the roof, my body doesn’t look like that of a young woman anymore. I have a bad back and a knee that will act up for no reason out of the blue. Since my surgery to remove the extra skin around my middle, I can’t find sexy clothes to wear. My corsets don’t fit anymore and I have a scar all the way around me.

Because of this, I don’t feel so sexy anymore. So, how do I put myself out there when I’m not feeling sexy (most days anyway)?

I want to have healing sex. I want to have passionate sex. I want to have sex that connects me with the Divine. I want to have sex that expands my self and my world. I want sex that blows my mind. Dammit. I want sex!

I actually feel like I felt sexier when I was heavier but younger. I know that’s not true. I had issues back then as well.

Hell, except for a couple of years as a teen, I didn’t even enjoy sex until I was 32. Now, I need to make up for lost time!

In all honesty, sex is fun but it is also very healing for me. It is part of my personal healing path. This aging thing sucks.

I will figure out how to turn this feeling around and become an empowered older Qadishtu/woman. I just need to figure out how. If I figure it out, I’ll share.

More on Depression….

Well, son of a bitch……some of this stuff just grips me and i don’t know what to do with it….

 

My husband and i were off to get ice-cream this evening….it’s cheat day…..and was flipping stations on Sirius radio and he stopped on a station that was having an interview with Rick Springfield. I LOVE Rick Springfield. He is so damn cute, even at 68 years old. ….but as i’m listening to him, i’m remembering that he also suffers from depression. So, i just looked him up because he’s supposed to be in town this Saturday. *sigh*

 

And what I’m reading is heart-breaking…..though there is some good stuff in there as well.

 

It seems that he’s still suffering from depression and as recently as last year has thought about ending it all. Rick god-damned Springfield!! 80’s musical superstar, 80’s soap opera cutie, movie star, tv star (recently on Supernatural), still doing music and concerts….people know his music….music that he wrote….he is a very talented individual.

 

Obviously, being a star doesn’t make you immune to depression. He said his first attempt was at 17. He’s 68 now. He’s been living with these moments of darkness and despair his whole life. So many people have lived with this their whole life. Believe me, it’s not something you choose.

 

I want to help him. I want to put his head in my lap and stroke his hair and tell him everything is going to be ok. But, you know, (at least i know) that we can’t always ‘hear’ those words when they are spoken to us. Or if we do hear them, we certainly don’t believe them. i know for me i had to truly believe that everything would cycle around to being in a good place again….i had to hold on long enough to get to the upswing…….but believing that the upswing will eventually happen, well that only comes with experience. …the experience of seeing it circling back around…again and again and again.

 

So…..i can’t help him. But, it was heartwarming to read that  he’s trying to help himself and has been doing so his whole life. He’s tried different meds, and a lot of different things. He says it’s a life sentence. But, during one interview, he points out the 2 things that help him the most ….. meditation and sex. I can definitely get behind that. And hey, like I said, he’ll be in town this Saturday…..if only I knew where he was staying, maybe I could help him out with both of those. *grin* Unfortunately, the interviewer totally ignored the sex comment and pointed him in the meditation direction…and even then they only talked about that for a little bit.

 

Seriously though…..meditation and sex….I totally get that. I do meditate. I tell everyone that comes to my workshops about meditation and being mindful and present has helped me though some horrendous moments of PTSD. (actually going through a little bit of that today and should probably write about that as well….but will save it for later…when I’m at a spot where I’m less likely to tip over the edge). And sex, what better way of being in the moment. I teach this all the time in my Tantra classes…..be mindful and present and it will be the best sex you’ve every had.

 

So….Rick Springfield….one of my idols. I hope he keeps remembering that depression cycles around. Selfishly, I’d like him to keep spinning on this Earth with us for a while longer.

 

NEW YORK, NY – AUGUST 05: Rick Springfield speaks during AOL BUILD Speaker Series: “Ricki And The Flash” at AOL Studios In New York on August 5, 2015 in New York City. (Photo by John Lamparski/WireImage)