“Tantra says sex can change your life. Awareness during sex opens the heart. It softens the hearts of men and dissolves their anger. It strengthens the heart of women and exorcises their fear.
It feeds you what you need.
The essence of tantra is not the fancy ritual technicalities and mystical mumbo-jumbo. The essence of tantra is a profound simplicity; Making love makes more love, brings more love into the world, into your world.
Love, the original wholeness, is always the real healer.
Sexual healing is, then, not just healing the sexual part of yourself, but uniting your isolated selves, the lost, lonely, hurt, confused parts, through the magical mystery power of sexual love. Tantra asserts that you can heal your life with loving sex when that is your conscious intention.”
—Red Hot Tantra by David Ramsdale
You know, I totally believe this, “you can heal your life with loving sex when that is your conscious intention.” Though, i also believe it doesn’t have to be a conscious intention. I believe that loving sex is healing regardless if there is intent to heal or not. Loving sex creates trust, and trust is the healer.
Each time i experience loving sex, sex with someone that finds me desirable and who wants to have sex with me, sex with someone that is not just thinking about their own pleasure but sees me as a worthy of receiving pleasure, that’s built trust with them and trust in myself. That’s been fantastic healing moments for me.
That’s probably why i can’t really do swing clubs. It’s not ‘sex’ i desire, but connected, loving sex.
And the more time between episodes of loving sex, the more i start to doubt myself and my relationships. Though, it’s not as bad as it used to be. I’ve healed some. But, the fact that i still need more healing, sneaks up on me every now and then.
I am what they call a ‘Broken Healer’. It doesn’t mean i’m currently broken. But, it does mean that one reason i can help others is because i’ve been in their shoes.
But, i don’t feel so broken when loving sex is a part of my life.
When loving sex is a part of my life, I feel more love towards others
*please feel free to skip the trigger warning writing……take care of yourself first and foremost*
Last week I went to a workshop on masturbation.
It left me totally triggered, but I’m not sure I’ll go into that right now. I’m going to let this writing flow and see where it goes.
Luckily, I’ve had a chance to talk to someone about my trigger. So, hopefully, that feeling will disappear soon.
But, about masturbation (sometimes I call it self-pleasuring, but since the workshop facilitator called it masturbation, that’s what I’ll label it)…..
There were 17 women in the workshop and 22 the week before. Yet, there have been at least 2 women (in their 30’s) that have never masturbated before. How incredible is that?
Why does this happen? Because we are shamed about finding pleasure in our bodies for one, especially women. We aren’t taught what our vulva’s look like. Neither gender if taught where women pee from. We do not pee out of our vagina’s! Hell, they didn’t understand that the clit isn’t just that little nub of glands, until 1998!!! And the people that figured it out were from France and did it on their own dime because they couldn’t get funding!! Really!
So, that’s one reason. Another of course is religious shaming. Which I never understood. But, maybe that’s because I’m pagan and believe we are supposed to enjoy life and our bodies that we were given. Though, I only embraced that after becoming pagan. Hell, during my couple of years trying to fit in at my Grandparent’s church, I wasn’t even allowed to go swimming with my boy cousins at church camp, because I was a girl. I found that so stupid because we swam together all the time in the river near my cousin’s house.
Whatever. I walked away from that path.
What surprised me during the workshop was how many women admitted to still feeling shame at masturbating. Either they had been caught doing it as a child and shamed by parents or whomever caught them, or even by a spouse and shamed. So, many of us still wait till partners go to sleep before we partake in pleasuring ourselves.
With the spouses, we were made to feel shame because we were pleasuring ourselves, which the spouses took to mean that they weren’t enough for us or weren’t doing their jobs in satisfying us. I had this happen to me.
Did I mention that I have a high sex drive? And that I like kink? Well, my ex-husband wasn’t kinky and at the beginning of our relationship I didn’t realize just how much I needed that from a sexual partner. So, if was more satisfying for me to masturbate to my hot, kinky fantasies than to have vanilla sex with him. He really, really didn’t like it. And if he caught me it turned into a fight. So, I got really good at hiding it and making sure that he wasn’t home at all. The one time I went to a store to buy a new dildo, that fight lasted for weeks.
Then, along came my current husband whom I told this story to and he started making me masturbate in front of him to try to get me over the hump of shame. It worked for a long time. Yet, I find that I’ve fallen into old habits. I now wait till either he isn’t home or after he’s gone to sleep. Though he knows I do it, I still don’t want to get ‘caught’ and make sure I stay quiet at night.
Why? I have no clue. We are sex positive. He knows I do it. I don’t know if he knows how much I do it. But, I have no clue why I feel the need to hide it in the current situation.
I know some issues why I had problems in the past…..but not currently.
Then, to hear how many women still have a hard time and have a feeling of shame …..and we are all from a sex positive community! We are sexual. We are kinky. We are about embracing our sexuality and kinks. Yet, we have a hard time with masturbation or even admitting that we do it.
Now, some of mine comes from my past.
**Major Trigger Warning**
As some of you may know…..though I rarely go into any kind of details…..as a child, I was sexually molested and abused…..from my earliest memory. My body was used against me. I was told early on that because my body responded, I must want it even though I was clearly saying ‘no’ and trying to fight back.
Then, to find out ….I’m not even sure when this happened…..probably after showing me porn movies where I had to watch others…..that I liked touching myself. The confusion that happened is hard to describe. I hated being touched. I hated being touched by him. I hated his words trying to convince me that I liked it. I felt like my body had betrayed me on all levels. Yet, I liked it when I touched myself. Maybe I was a bad person after all.
Each and every time I touched myself I felt ashamed. Then, to go through my time in the church and I’m not allowed to even swim with boys in case I tempted them. Then, to get married and have my husband have arguments with me over masturbation. It’s no wonder I have hang-ups.
**Trigger Warning End**
One way I try to work through this is to have ‘Jill Parties’ at Kinky Kollege. So far, this is the only event I’ve done this at. But, what I do is pull some women together and we go to the orgy room and for 20 minutes we masturbate. We set a timer and at the end of 20 minutes, hands up. If we orgasm, great…though if we didn’t that was fine as well. It’s more about having the acceptance of masturbating…..and having people watch us and take pleasure in watching us pleasuring ourselves.
Hearing how many women still have shame (including me), I may have to bring this to more events….though I don’t know many that have the floor space or mattresses we can use like Kinky Kollege in Chicago does.
I may put together another vulva only masturbation ritual together as well. We need to feel empowered with giving ourselves pleasure. And if someone else has issues with it, that’s their problem.
I am Qadishtu….a practitioner of sacred sexuality. I believe in the healing power of sex and that we wouldn’t have been given these enjoyable parts of our anatomy if we weren’t supposed to have fun with them.
With that said, I’m getting older. And even though my sex drive is soaring through the roof, my body doesn’t look like that of a young woman anymore. I have a bad back and a knee that will act up for no reason out of the blue. Since my surgery to remove the extra skin around my middle, I can’t find sexy clothes to wear. My corsets don’t fit anymore and I have a scar all the way around me.
Because of this, I don’t feel so sexy anymore. So, how do I put myself out there when I’m not feeling sexy (most days anyway)?
I want to have healing sex. I want to have passionate sex. I want to have sex that connects me with the Divine. I want to have sex that expands my self and my world. I want sex that blows my mind. Dammit. I want sex!
I actually feel like I felt sexier when I was heavier but younger. I know that’s not true. I had issues back then as well.
Hell, except for a couple of years as a teen, I didn’t even enjoy sex until I was 32. Now, I need to make up for lost time!
In all honesty, sex is fun but it is also very healing for me. It is part of my personal healing path. This aging thing sucks.
I will figure out how to turn this feeling around and become an empowered older Qadishtu/woman. I just need to figure out how. If I figure it out, I’ll share.
Well, son of a bitch……some of this stuff just grips me and i don’t know what to do with it….
My husband and i were off to get ice-cream this evening….it’s cheat day…..and was flipping stations on Sirius radio and he stopped on a station that was having an interview with Rick Springfield. I LOVE Rick Springfield. He is so damn cute, even at 68 years old. ….but as i’m listening to him, i’m remembering that he also suffers from depression. So, i just looked him up because he’s supposed to be in town this Saturday. *sigh*
And what I’m reading is heart-breaking…..though there is some good stuff in there as well.
It seems that he’s still suffering from depression and as recently as last year has thought about ending it all. Rick god-damned Springfield!! 80’s musical superstar, 80’s soap opera cutie, movie star, tv star (recently on Supernatural), still doing music and concerts….people know his music….music that he wrote….he is a very talented individual.
Obviously, being a star doesn’t make you immune to depression. He said his first attempt was at 17. He’s 68 now. He’s been living with these moments of darkness and despair his whole life. So many people have lived with this their whole life. Believe me, it’s not something you choose.
I want to help him. I want to put his head in my lap and stroke his hair and tell him everything is going to be ok. But, you know, (at least i know) that we can’t always ‘hear’ those words when they are spoken to us. Or if we do hear them, we certainly don’t believe them. i know for me i had to truly believe that everything would cycle around to being in a good place again….i had to hold on long enough to get to the upswing…….but believing that the upswing will eventually happen, well that only comes with experience. …the experience of seeing it circling back around…again and again and again.
So…..i can’t help him. But, it was heartwarming to read that he’s trying to help himself and has been doing so his whole life. He’s tried different meds, and a lot of different things. He says it’s a life sentence. But, during one interview, he points out the 2 things that help him the most ….. meditation and sex. I can definitely get behind that. And hey, like I said, he’ll be in town this Saturday…..if only I knew where he was staying, maybe I could help him out with both of those. *grin* Unfortunately, the interviewer totally ignored the sex comment and pointed him in the meditation direction…and even then they only talked about that for a little bit.
Seriously though…..meditation and sex….I totally get that. I do meditate. I tell everyone that comes to my workshops about meditation and being mindful and present has helped me though some horrendous moments of PTSD. (actually going through a little bit of that today and should probably write about that as well….but will save it for later…when I’m at a spot where I’m less likely to tip over the edge). And sex, what better way of being in the moment. I teach this all the time in my Tantra classes…..be mindful and present and it will be the best sex you’ve every had.
So….Rick Springfield….one of my idols. I hope he keeps remembering that depression cycles around. Selfishly, I’d like him to keep spinning on this Earth with us for a while longer.
NEW YORK, NY – AUGUST 05: Rick Springfield speaks during AOL BUILD Speaker Series: “Ricki And The Flash” at AOL Studios In New York on August 5, 2015 in New York City. (Photo by John Lamparski/WireImage)